The Rag

Konnie Huq Released, Pardoned After Cat Naming Scandal

2007-12-03T15:58:00.000Z

[This story writes itself, pick your own punchline - Ed]

Shooting Begins On New Kurt Cobain Flick

2007-01-11T21:15:00.000Z

That's the ending sorted then.

Judas to write Gospel "as according to Jeffrey Archer"

2007-01-07T18:02:00.000Z

The greatest story ever told is to be seen differently in a new interpretation this spring as Judas Iscariot releases his new gospel, the life of Jesus Archer, saviour of mankind.

Archer is typically portrayed in Conservative literature as a fraudulent, cheating, lying shit of a man, but Iscariot's book calls into doubt the veracity of his reputation.

“I’m a life-long Church of England Christian, but in more recent years I’ve been puzzled about Jeffrey and wanted to find out more about whether the traditional version is the correct one.

“I’ve always been mystified why Archer has been called the evil traitor,” said Judas

“Of course, the right wing of the church and evangelicals will say you must never tinker with the gospels. But I think you have got to reassess.”

"We don't have him dying which is a crucial part of the story," Judas said of Archer, whose latest novel received an advance of 30 pieces of silver, for which he should hang himself in shame.

Nigeria condemns 'rude' airlines

2007-01-07T17:16:00.000Z

Nigeria's aviation minister has accused two UK airlines of treating Nigerian passengers with the "utmost contempt".
Femi Fani-Kayode said British Airways and Virgin Atlantic could face "major sanctions" over alleged maltreatment of Nigerians on their flights.

Apologies are to be sent in writing to 'Mr Fani-Kayode's Uncle, 1 Mbkei Drive, Nigeria' and, in order to check the sincerity of the apologies, should contain bank account numbers and sort codes. Thank you please.

NatWest 3-4 HSBC

2006-07-13T10:56:00.000+01:00

Paula Radcliffe To Give Birth Whilst Running

2006-07-11T11:05:00.000+01:00

British marathon runner, Paula Radcliffe, has today revealed that she is pregnant, but has vowed to continue running.

Paula (right) is so determined to stay at the top of her game that she will simply give birth at the side of the race track if she feels the need. Ms Radcliffe will be the first woman to run a have a baby whilst running a marathon if she succeeds.

Olympic doctors have already begun planning to assist the pregnancy should Paula give up half way through. It is widely rumoured that David Walliams is also contemplating the challenge.

Hamas Change Name In Rebranding Overhaul

2006-07-07T14:53:00.000+01:00

Following the successful deal between Hamas and the John Lewis company, the Palestinian political party have decided to relaunch with a new name.

As of midnight tonight, the controversial group will be known internationally as Heelas.

Also, in world news, America is investigating claims that North Korea 'may' have some weapons of some sort. Expect World War 3 in about ten minutes.

Blunkett Dating TV's Amanda Burton

2006-07-03T14:08:00.000+01:00

Was it a blind date or just silent witness?

WAGs Compare Chins With Each Other

2006-06-30T11:15:00.000+01:00

The Rag has learned of a secret chin competition taking place in Germany amongst the English WAGs.

Currently favourite, Victoria Beckham (right) faces stiff competition from several other non-entitities including that bird out of Girls Aloud and the other lass with the nice 'tits'.

Viewers can watch the final, in Baden Baden Baden, on Wednesday on EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL. A pull-out guide is also available in tomorrow's Telegraph.

Queen Says Party! Charles Says Die!

2006-06-25T23:20:00.000+01:00

Ashley Cole to Save Journalistic Integrity

2006-06-25T12:35:00.000+01:00

Whether it is stopping Ronaldinhio down the left side of England's flank, or standing in the way of wanton attacks on his private life, Ashley Cole is the quintessential defender of all things good and proper, and he's not stopping now.

Striking fear into boulevard-hacks around the world, Cole, 27, has shown his intention to defeat the plague of shoddy journalisum that is ruining this age.

"Ashley Cole will not tolerate this kind of cowardly journalism or let it go unchallenged."

Rebekah Wade, editor of the Sun (pictured above), is shit scared. Oh yes she is.

Shepherd: 'Michael Owen is a Tool'

2006-06-21T21:25:00.000+01:00

Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd is thought to have taken out additional coverage with the FA against a serious injury to his £17m signing.

"If you lend tools to someone and they come back broken you shouldn't have to pay for the repair and that is what happened to Newcastle," said Shepherd.

Ergo Michael Owen qua tool.

ROONEY!

2006-06-15T23:00:00.000+01:00

Tories Call For More History Lessons

2006-06-15T12:50:00.000+01:00

"Look what happened after 1997, do you really want that to happen again?"

Spacey Exploration Essential For Human Development

2006-06-14T15:13:00.000+01:00

Scientists at the Institute of Human Development in Honolulu have published a report claiming that only through extensive exploration of actor, director and bachelor Kevin Spacey can the human race survive the next millennium.

It is thought that new sources of calcium, renewable energy and an interesting variation on the arrabiata sauce are to be found within Mr Spacey.

Cripple-genius Professor Stephen Hawking also agrees with plans to colonise Mr Spacey.

'The danger is that either by accident or design, we create a virus that destroys us. I don't think that the human race will survive the next thousand years, unless we spread into Spacey.'

Mr Spacey was last seen fleeing the Old Vic, weeping.

Yellow Cards Still Yellow

2006-06-11T15:52:00.000+01:00

WORLD'S CUP NOTES: Day 1: Goals Contagious as Football Fever Sets In

2006-06-09T21:09:00.000+01:00

- Germany opened their account today with a thrilling 4-2 victory over Alta Rica. Top shooter Glen Close scored a double as the coffee producing nation wilted under pressure in the second half. To top off the win, the hosts brought on a large lion, who mauled the shit out of the defense, allowing a 120ft piledriver to go into the net.

- In the day's other game, Poland's team of Snow White and the 10 really pasty dwarves let in an early goal against a strong Ecuador side. In a not particularly close game, the moment of the game came with 25 minutes to go when Sash! made a cameo appearance, missed a penalty but was encouraged to have another go by the french contingent in the crowd.

- Four members of the French squad have come down with what doctors are describing as 'World's Cup Fever'. Symptoms include square eyes, inflated calves and a desire to focus on pretty women in crowds. The players have been quarantined and may have to be euthanized if the swelling does not subside.

- Gabby 'Dippy' Yorath has been voted the best looking member of the British television teams, narrowly edging out Mark Lawrenson, Ian Dowie and Fat 'Sam' Allardyce in a public vote.

Rooney Results to Send Nation Crashing Into Sea

2006-06-07T14:31:00.000+01:00

The Rag can exclusively reveal that telecommunications experts expect a nationwide cellular phone system failure upon the results of England superstar Wayne Rooney's metatarsal scan, sometime in the next 26 hours.

Up to 300 billion text messages are expected to be sent in the 5 minutes after the results are released by England and Manchester United team doctors and such a surge in network traffic is likely to cause a massive electromagnetic shock, resulting in anything from planes falling from the sky to the near extinction of life as we know it, according to experts.

Expert, Dr Helen Knight, who brought this monstrous birth to light at a recent colloquium on Rooney's injury held at Warwick University, hopes that forewarning and preparation could prevent such a cataclysmic result.

"If you see someone using a mobile phone, don't hesitate to shoot them, squarely in the face. Do it for the good of us all."

Apparently, there is a 'World's Cup' happening soon, somewhere near Bavaria. Stay tuned to The Rag for comprehensive coverage of the events, both before and after they happen.

Boxing Authorities Consider Ban On Punching

2006-06-05T12:06:00.000+01:00

International boxing authorities are meeting today to consider a proposed ban on punching.

Top doctors have warned that punching could be 'dangerous' and potentially cause 'harm' to the opponent, resulting in 'injuries'.

Some boxers have welcomed the proposal, with the infamous 'corkscrew punch' cited as top of their banning list.

The ban would, theoretically, make boxing a non-contact sport in a similar vein to tennis and tetris.

Man Has 'Emotional Affair' With Soap Opera

2006-05-30T10:45:00.000+01:00

An old man from Cheshire has lost his landmark case following revelations that he had an 'emotional affair' with popular soap opera, Hollyoaks.

Mr Landmark, 76, was unable to deny charges that he had seen the TV programme upto five times a week, sometimes for long periods on Sundays. The ruling has left psychologists and lawyers both baffled and rich.

No-one from Hollyoaks was able to comment.

Pope Treads New Ground in Poland

2006-05-25T18:18:00.000+01:00

Cherie Quiet Over 'Crass' Kelly Auction

2006-05-25T18:17:00.000+01:00

There's been quite enough crassness for one week it seems.

Enron Duo Call for Public Vote to Appeal Convictions

2006-05-25T18:03:00.000+01:00

Convicted fraudsters and serial shits Jeffery Skilling and Kenneth Lay today called on the sensibilities of the American public to allow their convictions to be judged by telephone vote.

Lay, 64, cites the resounding success of 'American Idol' as evidence that when put to a televised public vote, the American public "always" return the correct verdict, irrespective of the impartialities of the "so-called jury system."

Facing up to 30 years in jail if unsuccessful, the two are expected to offer a rendition of classic Drifters' hit 'Up on the Roof' before offering their defence live on FOX. They intend to conclude their presentation with a heart felt rendition of 'You've lost that loving feeling', with guest backing vocalists from the many thousands of people whose pensions they squandered.

Ryan Seacrest presents, alonside the panel of Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Sade.

Abbas Gives Hamas 10 Days to Recognise Israel

2006-05-25T17:52:00.000+01:00

The options are:

a)

b)

or c)

Please send correct answers to The Rag, 1 Fedupofallthisshit Lane, Gaza

Blair in Surprise Visit to Iraq

2006-05-22T12:53:00.000+01:00

"SURPRISE!"

Rooney May Not Be Fit for World Cup

2006-05-22T10:56:00.000+01:00

Bin Laden Threatens Infidel in Latest Podcast

2006-05-13T11:01:00.000+01:00

Al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, released the latest threat to the western way of living this week in his new weekly podcast.

In the first episode, Osama details his plans for destruction, disruption and download success.

"My message to you is about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the way to end it. Our aim is to bankrupt the US, by charging for episodes 13 onwards of this podcast. Then we shall see Mayhem. Mayhem I tell you."

Available at iTunes.com, Bin Laden's 'CaveCast' is a blend of light chat and anti-capitalist vitriol, with a special news segment by Sir David Frost.

Woman to Become Britain's Youngest Your Mum Joke

2006-05-13T09:11:00.000+01:00

"I didn't think I'd get pregnant because it was my first time, but I'm really excited and looking forward to being a mum," she said. "I can't wait to take the baby swimming and out for walks in the pram. I think I'll be able to cope as I've had lots of practice looking after my brothers.

"I can give up smoking at any time, but I don't find it affects my pregnancy."

Oh dear God...

Pete Doherty Still Yellow

2006-05-10T16:33:00.000+01:00

Tottenham Hotspur Conspiracy Latest

2006-05-10T08:48:00.000+01:00

Did very small men try and strangle Spurs out of the fourth Champions league spot?

The Rag thinks that they did.

David Cameron's Spot the Difference

2006-05-09T21:41:00.000+01:00

Sven's Unveils 'Crazy' Tactics

2006-05-09T19:15:00.000+01:00

England manager, Sven "Johnson" Eriksson, has unveiled controversial tactics in preparation for the World Cup.

In an unexpected u-turn, Eriksson has radically altered the team's formation to 4-8-15-16-23-42, though this does mean David James will have to be included. Speaking of the decision, the Swede muttered something about 'Da Vinci code'.

Meanwhile, Theodore "Oh Clitheroe" Walcott has been selected in the squad despite being unable to tie his bootlaces (hey, it was never a problem for Mr. Beckham, blah blah blah).

Bush to Appoint Art Teacher as C.I.A. Chief

2006-05-08T07:40:00.000+01:00

There is concern in Washington D.C. today that President Bush will nominate Gen. Michael Hayden to become the new C.I.A. chief.

Hayden is often seen riding his bike after being banned from driving his tank for DUI and is known to have a large collection of mobile phones, paint brushes and books with naked pictures of people in. He is to be treated very suspiciously.

(Ed - In-joke alert, hold it right there.)

Bush Explains It All

2006-05-07T16:55:00.000+01:00

"The Germans today simply don't like war... And I can understand that."

And you do like war? R-ight...

Woman to Become Britain's Oldest Your Mum Joke

2006-05-06T09:13:00.000+01:00

"... well, your mum's so old that the Daily Mail disapproved of her pregnancy and questioned her ability to raise her kids properly."

Rooney May Not Be Fit for World Cup

2006-05-05T09:33:00.000+01:00

BREAKING NEWS: Blair Confirms Cabinet Reshuffle

2006-05-05T09:22:00.000+01:00

Out go the jokers then from this pack....

(Ed - Let's hope that none of the new bets are blind.)

Pressure Mounts on Home Secretary

2006-05-05T09:11:00.000+01:00

The Rag today increased pressure on Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, by sending a real pack of actual hounds to his London residence.

The pack, lead by former Rag-hack Piers Moron, claimed that such nuanced journalism would soon do justice for WPC Bluett and all the other families whose lives have been affected by being told by the Maily Telegraph that this country is 'in the shit'.

Moron also supported the idea that Mr Clarke should be held to account for his role in this country not having a Conservative government, though perhaps be given leniency for his recent attempts to rectify this mistake.

"Woof."

Labour Suffer Local Poll Loss

2006-05-05T09:08:00.000+01:00

"Here they are"

That UN-US Torture Quiz in Full...

2006-05-05T09:04:00.000+01:00

1) Did you torture people at Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib or any other US led detention centre?
a) Yes
b) No
c) What you gonna do about it?

Pope Condemns Chinese Church

2006-05-04T18:34:00.000+01:00

Pope Benedict XVI today increased the rift between Roman Catholicism and the Chinese church following the appointment of two bishops without the permission of the Vatican by excommunicating four bishops: the two who were ordained and the two who did the ordaining.

In an unusually vicious attack, his Holiness described the diocese as using a "take away testament" that "filled you right up with manna from heaven, only to feel in need of it again half an hour later."

Spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls read out a short statement from the pope, who had tried calling the Chinese synod in person, but every time he Wang, he got the Wong number.

Rooney Philosophical About Injury

2006-05-04T09:12:00.000+01:00

Injured England footballer Wayne 'Spongebob Squarepants' Rooney offered a few words of wisdom today after receiving the award for 'Best Use of a 40+ Year Old Female' at the Often Awards today.

When asked whether the pressure of success had affected him, he replied:

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

He went on to play down the frenzied nature of England fans that goes hand in hand with every tournament.

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

Fortunately, he seems to have learned many invaluable lessons in his short career and thanked manager Alex Ferguson for helping him to overcome the troubles of youth:

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."

(Ed - many thanks to beat reporter Freidrich N. for this report.)

UN Proposes New Iran Resolution

2006-05-04T09:06:00.000+01:00

Queen Recognises Achievments of 'Living Legends'

2006-05-03T10:18:00.000+01:00

The three remaining members of rock band Queen issued awards today to the few remaining 'living legends' at an award ceremony in Nashua, New Hampshire.

Queen, not seen above engaging in lewd sexual acts, hailed the work of "all the Zeldas, Pélés, Tomb Raiders and Ian Rushes who have continued to raise the bar and follow on from the legends that are no longer with us."

A special mention was afforded to music legend Elton John, for his work to provide rocket propulsion kits for all.

Popular musician and real life legend, John Legend failed to be recognised, even in person, face to face.

Rag Beef Ban Lifted

2006-05-03T10:11:00.000+01:00

The 6-month beef ban imposed on Rag reporter Back Bohnson by EU officials has been lifted today, signalling the way for fresh shouts of "¡Beef!" and "BEEF!" over the next few months.

Reporters had to make to with other shouts, such as "BANG!" and "JOHNSON!", but according to sources within the Rag organisation, few came close to the having the rhetorical force of "BEEF!"

One reporter said "I haven't been able to say 'BEEF!' for time, it was like totally Johnson. Still, it's over now and thank fuck for that."

Johnson to Solve England Injury Crisis

2006-05-03T09:58:00.000+01:00

Fans of Sven-Goran Eriksson's England team have fresh hope today as it was announced that Tory M.P., Boris Johnson would be selected in the 23-man World Cup squad to be named later this month.

WIth uncertainty over the fitness of star strikers Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney following broken feet, fans across the nation had been worried that their chance to win the world cup had passed. However, the announcement today that Johnson would be available for the team from the start of June has lead to relief, and also a little joy.

Johnson said: "I'm like a greased panther, a coiled spring, all that suppressed kinetic energy."

"My metatarsals are OK and I'm looking forward to the game. No-one has ever asked me to play for England before, for Queen and country."

England start their World Cup campaign in Germany on June 10th.

Prescott Buys New Paper Weight To Keep On Top Of Work

2006-05-02T18:40:00.000+01:00

Charles Clarke Still Ye..er... Green

2006-05-01T10:14:00.000+01:00

"Buh-bye..."

Liberal Democrats Still Yellow

2006-04-30T15:25:00.000+01:00

When the reds are turning pink and the blues are turning green...

Sunday Telegraph: Scolari "Snub has done us a big favour"

2006-04-30T10:41:00.000+01:00

Ra ra Johnny foreigner, ra ra EN-GER-LUND, ra ra shambles, state of the nation ra ra ra.

No news today then.

Boris Johnson: "I'll Give Tracey Temple A Job"

2006-04-30T09:16:00.000+01:00

Tory MP, Boris Johnson has offered a job to secretary Tracey Temple.

Johnson said, 'she's got a good track record'.

Raid on Reid Makes It Four

2006-04-29T12:42:00.000+01:00

The Labour front-bench is in the news again today as it emerges that a routine search of Defence Secretary John Reid's Lanarkshire residence found a small amount of cannabis resin.

Police reports state that the cannabis has a street value of 85p and that Dr Reid is not accused of doing anything wrong.

Dope.

Chickens Test For Bird Flu

2006-04-27T15:38:00.000+01:00

The Rag can exclusively reveal that the British government is employing chickens to test birds for the lethal H5N1 flu virus.

A farmer, Andrew Farmer, claims that the procedure is 'finger lickin good'.

Tony Blair offers 'his full support' to the operation.

Ricky Gervais, Still Yellow

2006-04-27T11:10:00.000+01:00

Rubbin' Hood

2006-04-26T22:00:00.000+01:00

Blair Offers Full Support

2006-04-26T11:33:00.000+01:00

UK President, Tony Blair, is offering his support to anyone who wants it, no matter what they have done.

To apply for the Blair support, simply become a Labour MP and fill in a request form.

Your application will be processed quicker than a cheetah, Andrew Cheetah.

Car Drivers 'More Likely' To Have A Car Crash

2006-04-26T09:39:00.000+01:00

Car drivers are 'more likely' to have a car crash than non-car drivers according to an independent survey.

Andrew Independent, who spearheaded the survey, said, 'the findings may seem a little obvious, but the survey was definitely necessary'.

Clarke: "I Will Not Resign"

2006-04-25T19:20:00.000+01:00

Oh yes you will...

Hewitt: "Best Ever Year for NHS"

2006-04-24T09:40:00.000+01:00

"In 2006, nobody died...."

Thousands Hit The Streets For London Marathon

2006-04-23T15:26:00.000+01:00

Mike Skinner now recovering in hospital.

Henman To Be Next Next Bond

2006-04-20T14:44:00.000+01:00

Former British number 1 tennis player Timothy Henman is to be the next next James Bond, studio sources revealed today.

Following his drop down the world rankings and a series of injuries, Henman,31, will replace the calamitous Daniel Craig as the suave double-oh-seven after filming is completed on the latest film, Casino Royale.

Henman, who bears a striking resemblance to former Bond Pierce Brosnan as well as Rag beat-reporter Back Bohnson, is expected to net a handsome fee when he serves up his own spin on the franchise in 2009.

Casino Royale is OUT! later this year, but some commentators suggest that it will be 'on the line'.

Released Criminals Face New Order

2006-04-20T09:31:00.000+01:00

Dangerous criminals will face tougher supervision under New Order to prevent them from re-offending.

Bernard "I can't believe it's not" Summer, said 'We'll be watching them closely'

Barrymore Pool Death Reviewed

2006-04-19T19:22:00.000+01:00

Our survey says: 6/10

Wenger: Defence Can Emulate Best

2006-04-19T13:17:00.000+01:00

In case you can't work out what he means, here's a hint.

Rumsfeld to Wife: I Won't Quit You Either

2006-04-18T23:11:00.000+01:00

Bush Chooses Portman as Next Budget Director

2006-04-18T15:11:00.000+01:00

President Bush today announced that Natalie "Rob" Portman would succeed Joshua Bolten as budget director following Bolten's promotion to White House chief of staff.

Ms Portman (right, in see through top) has served two terms in the Galactic Senate and is expected to bring with her a strong following of teenage boys and older males. Bush said Portman would play a leading role on his economic team and consult frequently with Congress.

"Shaazam!"

Since the resignation of Andrew Card earlier this year, the White House has been under frequent attack as opinion polls show the Bush administration falling to record lows. It is hoped that "The Man-Port" will be able to reverse this trend and allow a full legislative agenda to continue as planned.

Ham-Ass Faces Fresh World Pressure

2006-04-18T11:40:00.000+01:00

Palestinian Authority, Ham-Ass, is facing fresh pressure from the international community to call for peace (aye!).

UN Secretary-General, Kofi "Fresh" Anan is leading the fresh world pressure under a new operation, yourcodenameis:FRESH.

A representative of the Ham-Ass kru, Andrew Representative, said, "We be gettin all Ham on yo Ass, so don't mess. Me jus representin."

Tom Cruise to Eat Placenta

2006-04-18T11:15:00.000+01:00

May eat baby, Katie Holmes and the rotted corpse of L. Ron Hubbard too.

Not really a surprise is it?

Cliff Richard Still Yellow

2006-04-18T09:54:00.000+01:00

Former President Clinton Warns of Dangerous Rise of "-isms"

2006-04-14T18:33:00.000+01:00

At a rally at Warwick University, England, President Will.iam Jefferson Clinton warned about the increasing trend in 'isms' that threatens the modern world.

Speaking as part of a series of lectures aimed at warning young people of the dangers of modern life, he railed against dangerous ideologies that only served to create fear and uncertainty among voters.

"When I was young, it was Communism and Nazism that we feared. These then became consumerism, conservatism and terrorism."

President Clinton also spoke from his own experiences with "isms".

"Ultimately, j-ism undermined my term as president."

President Clinton will be here until the end of the week, try the fish.

Fire at Old Trafford

2006-04-13T12:25:00.000+01:00

Police rule out Arsene.

Flat Chested Girl 'Happy" With Body Image

2006-04-13T11:28:00.000+01:00

Local girl Susan Sartre is "happy" with her body image, despite very small breasts it was revealed today in a Top Secret RAG investigation.

Susan, 32AA, was seen admiring herself in a body length mirror from a treetop vantage point, irrespective of her obvious deficiencies. Ex-boyfriend Simon Beaver claims that she never had a problem with her lack of knorkage.

"She just doesn't mind. I never could understand it."

Men across the country are bemused by what appears to be a recent trend in women not minding small boobs, blaming Hollywood types such as Kiera Knightly (right and dangerous) and the Olsen twins for promoting such an undesirable body image.

King Kong DVD Released

2006-04-10T09:41:00.000+01:00

Muse Not The Plural Of Mew, Shock

2006-04-08T17:56:00.000+01:00

Carling Festival headliners, Muse, have controversially revealed that they are NOT the plural of Mew.

In an exclusive interview, Matt "Craig David" Bellamy, said, 'we'd like to dispel the rumour that we are the plural of Mew. They are an entirely different band, entirely.'

The band are set to unleash their long anticipated LP, crypitically titled, 'You've won...some bird flu'.

Favre Still Undecided Over Future, Other Things

2006-04-08T14:47:00.000+01:00

Future Hall of Famer Brett Favre today held a press conference to try and clarify his position on a number of subjects.

Aside from whether or not he will return for a 15th season as Green Bay QB, Favre also was not sure about what he was going to eat for dinner that evening, whether or not he will vote on American Idol or if American troops should pull out of Iraq.

"I feel like bloody Hamlet."

The anxious Favre then went on to explain his situation.

"Should we eat red meat? Does a bear shit in the woods? Who was Ian Duncan Smith? I just don't know anymore..."

Favre is expected to decide sometime before opening day in September, his first pick since a career high 29 last season.

Blackburn Unveil New Weapon in UEFA Race

2006-04-04T12:28:00.000+01:00

Blair Unveils 'FBI-Style' Police Task Force

2006-04-03T15:11:00.000+01:00

A Blair, Anthony Blair, has unveiled an FBI-Style Police squad to deal with the UK's worst criminals.

In particular, the team will focus their resources on tackling those violating the hosepipe ban in the south of England.

The Rag has uncovered a leaked source, codenamed 'Operation Bohnson', which reveals the plans to catch criminals using their hosepipes in the garden.

Tory MP, Boris Johnson, has criticised the ban, stating, "a man should be free to use his hosepipe in his garden, and, at times, other people's gardens".

One Year on, Pope Curse 'Still Lifted'

2006-04-03T12:28:00.000+01:00

Area man C.C. Fernandez is still curse free, one year since the death of Pope John Paul II ended his run of holy bad luck.

After wishing the former Pontifex dead following heavy traffic jams caused by the papal visit to Epcot in 1993, John Paul II pointed at Fernandez and muttered a few words under his breath. Between then and his holiness' death in 2005, Mr Fernandez was unable to keep regular employment, his children in school, or an erection.

However, the moment that Il Pape died, he felt as if a great weight had been taken off his shoulders. The next day, he started a passionate affair with a rich, young heiress and, as if by magic, won the state lottery.

Vatican experts deny that the Pope was a man of spite, but cede that from time to time, he got a little angry.

Drug Trial Victim Reveals Hands Stuck Permenantly To His Head

2006-04-03T11:59:00.000+01:00

Speaking exclusively to ITV, UK drug trial survivor, Navneet Modi, has revealed the consequential damage of the trials: both his hands are now permenantly stuck to his head.

Navneet, 24, London said, 'it's really annoying'.

Aunt Bessie, Uncle Ben File for Divorce

2006-04-02T10:30:00.000+01:00

(RP) Batter-heiress Aunt Bessie filed for divorce yesterday from estranged husband Uncle Ben, claiming that the marriage is "irretrievably broken."

After leaving his long term partner Jemima in 1991, Ben's marriage to Bessie caused controversy as the first open interracial marriage on supermarket shelves.

Uncle Ben, seen here on his recent 'Can You Feel It?' World tour, denies claims that the stardom achieved following his recent role in the Spiderman films led to the breakdown of the marriage.

Friends close to Bessie say that her fans need not worry that she will let the events of her personal life affect her public presence.

"Where there's beef and gravy on a Sunday, there'll be Aunt Bessie. You can count on it."

Despite 'Fool's Day', Man Tragically Dies

2006-04-01T12:35:00.000+01:00

Nobody laughed.

James Mason Surprise Entry into Final Four

2006-03-31T14:58:00.000+01:00

Seen here relaxing at home, late actor James Mason has been awarded a surprise berth into this weekend's Final Four of the Men's NCAA Basketball tourney after a clerical error was made in Indianapolis.

Secretary Joan Dark had never heard of 11th seeded University George Mason, who beat top seeded UConn in the Washington regional final on Sunday, so when it came to filing the official forms, she mistakenly entered 'James Mason'. Unfortunately, NCAA rules forbid changing the details of any form once approved by the commissioner.

A league official, speaking under conditions of anonymity, denied that this may undermine the tournament, which has been watched by millions worldwide over the past month.

"If anything, Mr Mason's charm and charisma will help this competition get stronger and stronger."

The star of 'North by Northwest', 'Lolita' and 'The Prisoner of Zenda' will line up against the University of Florida on April 1st, live on ESPN.

World Not Ending, Despite Previous Claim

2006-03-31T09:57:00.000+01:00

Two notorious night owls today came to the unfortunate conclusion that despite both being wide awake at 8am, the world was not, as previously suggested, coming to an end.

After checking all of the potential signs, only one suggested an occasion of apocalypse.

"We checked the sky and it looked about 15ft lower. But that could just have been clouds."

No horsemen were seen, nor was the sky cleft in two. Both revelers came to a similar conclusion.

"Maybe we're not as young as we used to be..."

Uncle Martin failed to comment, as he'd left his teeth out.

That ITV Boat Race Schedule in Full...

2006-03-29T17:05:00.000+01:00

3.30 Pre race coverage begins with a run down of previous winners.

3.31 Ad break

3.40 The celebrity alumni/ commentary team of Lord Snowdon and Hugh Laurie offer Gabby "Dippy" Yorath their views on this year's race.

3.57 Telephone phone in to choose 8 rowers from a selection of 100 single and pretty students.

4.15 Results of phone poll in, revealed by Ant and Dec, today's celebrity coxes.

4.34 ITV bosses announce the entry of a special "University of Life" crew. Camera pans to the bemused "boat races" of the 16 original 'blues'.

4.35 The ITV Boat Race Starts, a gruelling 300m along the the Thames.

4.36 Panel of three judges, led by Simon Cowell, decide which of the three boats could make it to the grand finals.

4.40 Clive Tyldesley congratulates the winning crew, but stops short of declaring it as exciting as 'that night in Barcelona.'

Blue Peter Badge Fraud Causes FTSE Dive

2006-03-27T23:32:00.000+01:00

Following the BBC's announcement today that they are taking steps to prevent the speight of Blue Peter badge sales on internet auction sites, the FTSE index fell 259 points.

With children under 16 with no necessary skills in the fields of arts and crafts potentially able to gain free access to museum, art galleries and fetes, the financial ruin of this country is surely far behind.

The badge (far right) has become an institutional symbol since its introduction in 1958.

Despite the stock market falls, the price of Badges rose sharply today, ending at 4.

Norman Kember Still Yellow

2006-03-23T16:04:00.000Z

Sven Rumoured For New Management Role

2006-03-21T11:41:00.000Z

Soon-to-be-ex-England manager, Sven, is touted to have already found his next job as manager of the Diana Fountain.

The monstrosity in Hyde Park, London has so far suffered under poor management, costing tax-payers millions of pounds.

A spokesman, Andrew Spokesman said "We would love to have Sven on board. He would bring a certain air of professionalism that we need."

Martin O'Neill denied that he had been approached for the job. Stuart Pearce said "BANG!"

American News in Brief

2006-03-16T21:32:00.000Z

- Bush Hopes For a Democratic Iron by 2010

President Bush said today that he hoped that America would one day be a close ally of a free and democratic iron. He said iron was a tool held hostage by a small clerical elite, an elite which was isolating and repressing the ironing people.

- US Launches Major Air Attack

More than 50 aircraft and 1,500 troops have been used to create a large effigy of former Prime Minister John Major over the skies of Iraq today. In an attempt to distract insurgents with tiresome anecdotes about Surrey CCC and the Maastricht treaty, Defence Secretary Donal' Rumsfeld hopes that his Special Forces commandos will be able to have "that extra second" to get one over on "those pesky Towelheads".

- US Backs First Strike Attack Plan

The White House has confirmed that the US will not shy away from attacking television characters it considers hostile, or groups it believes have no clear sign of being nice. In the first restatement of national security strategy since the invasion of Iraq in 2003, the US state department singles out television show Lost's 'The Others' as the greatest single current danger. The new policy backs the policy of pre-emptive war first issued in 2002, and criticised since the Iraq war.

Milosevic Coffin surfaces on eBay

2006-03-16T21:23:00.000Z

The coffin of former Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic has been posted on the Dutch auction site eBay where it is hoped that his supporters will find a suitable resting place for the former despot.

Seller ivanthehun999 (182) believes that this is what the man 'allegedly' responsible for thousands of deaths and other acts of cruelty would really have wanted.

"This way, he has the opportunity to travel, or to be pride of place on someone's dining room table."

The auction price was at EUR174 (£120) at the time of press, with a BuyItNow price of EUR300.

Government 'Unable' to Offer First Aid Following Cuts

2006-03-12T19:57:00.000Z

Parents have spoken of their anger after having to administer first aid to the education system after the government refused to do more than 'plaster over the cracks' left by widespread cuts in spending and standards.

Education 'minister' Ruth Kelly claimed that it was not within the government's remit to offer aid to the education system according to strict guidelines.

"Surely we should not be exshpected to show any short of conshern when we aren't shown what to do. Shit."

But the system's father, Mark Phillips, 18-37, criticised the guidelines for not taking a more 'common sense' approach.

"It's a ludicrous guideline that the school seem to have been given; people should be men not mice."

Further cuts in standards expected around the March 14th are expected to leave the state of this country's education infected for the foreseeable future.

Former Rag Owner Tracked by War Crimes Police

2006-03-10T22:27:00.000Z

Former Rag owner Maxwell Haus was under investigation by war crimes police from the Hague at the time of his death, declassified documents revealed today.

Detectives were considering the admission that Haus had shot a young lady "in the face" whilst on leave during the second World War.

War crimes detective, Will Hague, 44, denied that Haus' suicide was in any way related to his investigation.

"Mr Haus was a bad human being, and a scholar. He offered no remorse for the face-shot whatsoever."

Haus drowned himself in a toilet in 1991 and it was later discovered that he had stolen many pensioners from the Rag pensioner collection.

Government Dept. States the Bleeding Obvious

2006-03-09T00:17:00.000Z

In the good Ol' Us of A, there is a Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

Erm, not sure what punchline tops that one.

[Night - Ed]

Cool for Crabs

2006-03-08T16:47:00.000Z

Following the excitement caused by the arrival of a whale, and then a giant squid in London, the British media are attempting to win higher ratings through their reports of a new species of 'furry lobster.'

Thrilling developments from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, the media's latest darling hotbed of marine activity since Baghdad stopped selling papers, have culminated in the discovery of the new species.

As if ordinary lobsters were not exciting enough, this one is hairy - thus meriting international attention. Reporters are now on the trail of new hairy versions of conventionally unhairy crustaceans, and The Rag hopes soon to bring you so far unconfirmed reports of hairy crabs and, potentially - dare I say hopefully - crayfish.

Watch this space.

Woman Loses Frozen Embryos Fight

2006-03-07T17:40:00.000Z

A British woman has lost her frozen embryos battle.

The mighty-morphin' frozen embryos, morphed together to beat the woman in an unexpected win.

William Hill placed odds of 10-1 on the embryos winning the fight and have predicted that they will go on to defeat Audley Harrison.

Supermarket Rape!

2006-03-07T16:55:00.000Z

Midlands Police force are appealing to the public in their search for a supermarket rapist (pic right).

The young, white male is suspected of raping at least three different chains of supermarkets, Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda.

Emo McTube, spokesperson for Morrisons, said, "On a number of occasions we have heard young people bragging that they just 'raped' a store. It's sickening."

UK Government Employ Napolean Dynamite To Tackle Immigration

2006-03-07T16:47:00.000Z

Tony 'Johnson' Blair has enlisted the help of Napolean Dynamite to deal with the growing problems within UK immigration.

Mr Dynamite will introduce a three-tier system testing immigrants on their 'skills'. Those with more 'skills' will have an increased chance of gaining permenant residence in the UK.

Meanwhile, Hip-hop star, Ms Dynamite said 'Boo-ya'.

Blair offers Jowell full support

2006-03-06T14:32:00.000Z

Today, Primeminister Blair backed troubled sidekick, Tessa Jowell, by offering her one of his wife's old bras.

Blair (or Tony as he was known when people liked him) said that the lingerie would give her 'full support' and stop her making a 'tit' of herself.

Alistair "boob" Campbell denied it was a sneaky political tactic to draw people's attention away from the truth.

Three in Court Over £53 Million Robbery

2006-03-02T11:27:00.000Z

Three monkeys are due to appear in court charged in connection with the £53m Securitas depot raid.

Coco, 57, a monkey, swore blindly that he had never seen a robbery, while his long term partner Darwin, 47, denied ever hearing of one. Nigel, 39, refused to answers the prosecutors questions.

Magistrates granted police an extension to question two other monkeys until 2100 GMT.

Assistant Chief Constable Adrian Leppard said he was "pleased with the progress of this case".

The raid, Britain's biggest cash robbery, happened at the depot in Tonbridge, Kent, in the early hours of 22 February.

Securitas staff returned to work at the premises in Vale Road on Wednesday, after a week of police activity and an audit of the amount of money stolen.

Barry Bonds Steroid Issue Resurfaces at Training Camp

2006-03-01T10:27:00.000Z

A-Rod Reveals Season Goals, Personal Goals

2006-02-28T10:01:00.000Z

Reigning American League MVP Alex Rodriguez set out his goals for the forthcoming season, claiming that his three main goals are to win the World Series, silence his few remaining critics and to finally eliminate John Connor.

In his two seasons in the Bronx, Rodriguez has been a solid performer, the biggest name in a lineup of superstars. However, he has not been able to fulfil either of his pre-programmed mision objectives and this has started to play on his mind.

"Having come so close the past two years, I have found that if I don't ELIMINATE JOHN CONNOR soon, he may just start up an army of men to defeat the evil empire once and forall."

Rodriguez has reportedly recruited identikit teammate Derek Jeter to help throughout the hectic 162-game season.